Carry on Jacki. You were 'wonderful' as well

So what do you think of the Carry On Films? Obviously for someone as current as me it should be really easy. I'm (by and large) from Brighton, I'm (sort of) modern, I'm (for a bloke in his 50's with a rather effective combover) rather down with the kids, and therefore I should obviously think Carry On was an awful sexist business which deserves no place in modern popular entertainment.
But I have to confess for a long-term sneaking admiration. Maybe I am alone here in the capital of right-on 'ness on the south coast but for me Sid and Bernard chatting up their 'birds' is still quite funny.
"Infamy, infamy they have all got it in for me", remains one of the best lines ever in British comedy, and I can laugh even today at Sid James in Bless this House, Terry Scott in Terry and June, Charles Hawtree in Carry on Sergeant and Bernard Bresslaw (my combover is better) in Carry on Camping. And, this confession will probably confirm once and for all that my political career is over, for men of my age (your guess will obviously be much younger than the reality) Barbara Windsor's 'assets' were the first bosoms we ever ever saw (for me the location ever seared in my memory was the Dome Cinema in Worthing).
Having got these excuses out of the way that was why I snapped up early tickets to 'Jacki Piper - A Right Carry On' on Saturday 28 November in the Vestry at the Museum of Comedy, Bloomsbury Way, London.
Admittedly I initially got Jacki confused with Angela Douglas . The latter had been in some earlier Carry On films but her new husband 'Kenny' More had banned her not been keen on her appearing in them again.  Some searches on google confirmed it was the Girl June from Carry on up the Jungle that I was off to see reminisce about her experiences working with legends of British comedy (and also Frankie Howerd*).
My guest at this event (who insists on remaining anonymous for fear of never being welcome in polite Brighton circles again) and I, settled into our seats early for the show. It was indeed a rather small crypt, rammed full of tiny chairs, and by 7pm swamped with enthusiastic Carry on Fans of - admittedly - a certain age broadly equivalent to my own.
In the dark it was difficult to keep notes, and I did not want to appear like a sneak in any case so the evening started on a great note with an admission that the Carry on Films were also 'low budget affairs.'
It was still - even in the midst of a 1970's era nostalgia-  something of a 'luvvie' fest. 
Jacki opened by admitting that 'I know most of you' (which made some of us feel out of it) but she went on to give some fascinating insights into the actors she had worked with:
"Terry Scott was a perfectionist".
"Charles Hawtree always came to the set with his mum. She was a chain smoker who dropped the ash into her handbag. Which was fine until her handbag caught light and the fire brigade put both her and her handbag out."
"Frankie Howerd had a 'terrible wig' (should have tried a combover) but was 'lovely' despite suffering from depression caused by trying so hard to be funny".
We also learnt Jim Dale refused the part of 'Ugh' in Carry On Up The Jungle because it involved "speaking like a gorilla" (as Jacki put put it "Health 'n' safety and political correctness never featured" in those days"). 
Terry Scott was also "lovely" (despite the loin cloth incident) and continued to be so till the end of his his life. Terry managed to star in 'A Bed Full of Foreigners' in a wheel chair on a tour of China, thereby denying the also "lovely" Jack Smethurst a part for which he had rehearsed on the flight from Heathrow.
Joan Sims was "so talented", Sid James was "wonderful and he played cards". He let Jacki pick "his horses" (maybe I should let her pick mine!).
Roger Moore was also "charming and lovely". Admittedly Roger was normally otherwise engaged (playing a certain spy) but he had tea with the 'Carry on' lot when filming James Bond.
Kenneth Williams was "an absolute hoot" and 'Bernie' (Bernard to you and me obviously) Bresslaw was  "an academic really, learned, quiet and gentle".
Jacki also confessed to starring in Dr in Trouble where she met Leslie 'Ding-Dong Nurse Bell' Phillips, before going to (admittedly 1970's) Brighton for Carry On At Your Convenience. It was filmed at a hotel/pub near the County Hospital, and the desperate industrial relations of their 1970's day were sorted out when Bernard, Sid et al went for a ride on the ghost train on the Palace Pier with the workers at the toilet factory (was Jeremy Corbyn an extra?).
Hattie Jacques was also "gentle, talented and wonderful" and had decided to give up dieting.
Leonard Rossiter was "a total perfectionist and workaholic".
The best of the lot was Ronnie Barker (agree there) and if there is to be a new Carry On it should star Frank Skinner (and I agree there as well).
On re-reading my notes I feel I may seem a tad critical (sorry Sam). Actually it was a wonderful 80 minutes. Jacki (rightfully in my opinion) refuses to dish the dirt. She simply exudes happiness for being involved in a golden age of British comedy. 
If she does one of these nights again then get along - you will not be disappointed.
And maybe Sam take the show to Brighton for next year's festival?

*Thank you the also wonderful (obviously)  Ms Potting Shed for correcting my terrible spelling of Howard

Newbury is on its way back

As I work my way round the racecourses of Britain it is becoming increasingly difficult to make my visit a day trip. To do all the courses in a year is going to require a greater familiarity with the railway timetables as I intend to stick with public transport as much as possible, and more effort at forward planning (which I admit is not a strong point).

Hence my boarding a train from Paddington heading to Bedwyn, which if you had asked me before I booked the tickets, I would have assumed was a mining village in the valleys of South Wales. At least I know now it's in Wiltshire.

I had decided to base myself in the even more prosperous (than Bedwyn anyway) Berkshire market town of Hungerford, for my trip to the Hennessy meeting at Newbury.
Sadly Hungerford is now forever associated with tragedy, being the location of the first American style mass shooting to have occurred in this country back in 1987. It's very grand these days, so smart that its high street contains a dozen antique shops, organic butchers (x 2), more designer women's dress shops (of the type which do not seem to have many clothes in them) than you could imagine in fashion heaven, and a nail bar where men (admittedly still Vietnamese) do the lacquering. Fortunately I also found a kebab van parked down a side road, and a pub which sold Greene King IPA. That beer is not totally to my taste but I forced down a couple of pints in honour of it now being China's favourite real ale.
Hungerford was chosen as it is handy for Newbury racecourse, and a lot cheaper to stay in than Newbury town when the racing is on. 

My 'single' room at the Rising Sun had 3 beds, and Don the landlord had 2 Staffordshire bull terriers which happily seemed friendly enough. They did also make mightily effective guard dogs on the landing outside my room, meaning I could safely leave my laptop behind when setting off for the racecourse in the morning.
The Hennessy at Newbury is the last long standing sponsorship left in racing. Most races now are sponsored by bookmakers or Qatar. It's sad that the Schweppes (Captain Ryan Price's legendary 'plots' still excite me today), the Whitbread, the Mackeson and even the Benson and Hedges are gone. Of course I still take great delight in calling these races after the original sponsor, which inside feels like a tiny victory against the Bet365's of this world. 

And in addition to this small victory there is no better way to study the form than over a full English. Don's breakfast did him proud. My instructions were clear. Eggs with runny yolk, bacon (well done and fried, not baked as is now the fashion in some hotels), sausages (grilled), baked beans (Heinz), black pudding and buttered (Kerrygold) toast (white obviously). He was delighted that I wasn't one of 'those vegetarian hippy types' which cheered me up no end.

In the first race at Newbury there was an interesting horse. See the World had run once before but was clearly something of a character (I was going to write Madame but it was male and indeed gelded!). The Racing Post reported that 'turning round the home bend four furlongs out he was cruising in the lead when he stopped. He let the other horses overtake him before starting again and sprinting up the straight to win easily.'  Despite the 'not one to be trusted' label I steamed in, hoping Emma Lavelle had ironed out the idiosyncratic traits. She had, but he still finished 4th.
Entrance to Newbury was a bit pricey at £30 for a premier ticket but it's only fair to report that the tea and coffee were only £1.60.

As usual I entered into the Placepot (it's almost a tradition) having not been put off by it only paying £2.60 at Lingfield the day before, and as usual I lasted one race. Mind you that's is still better than winning it and only collecting £2.60.

Newbury was once a great racecourse but there is a feeling round the circuit (I am almost part of it these days) increasingly that it has declined in recent years. The awful incident where two horses were electrocuted in the paddock was probably the nadir of its fortunes. I expected the worst but things are perking up, mainly as a result of an 'enabling development.'

Newbury is a desirable place to live, and the course therefore sold some land to build new homes. This housebuilding is paying for a revamp of the whole course.

It has even led to racing themed road names surrounding the course. There's Denman Drive, Hennesey Aveneue, Mill Reef Lane and (I hope no one paid for this suggestion) Racecourse Road. And the new management needs to be congratulated for its efforts to improve the facilities for stable staff. These unsung heroes (and more often heroines) of the game have to put up with awful facilities at may racecourses (Brighton being probably the worst example of all). I admit at first glance I thought the Lodge might be a meeting place for 'Larrys'*. On closer inspection it is an excellent hostel and cafe for the all too often undervalued stable lads and lasses who devote themselves to the horses we love to see run.

Inside the course there is a whole wall papered in old Racing Post newspapers. One of them was from February 7, 2012 highlighting the potential of the emerging talent, Darren Egan. Sadly today's Racing Post (obviously not papered to the wall) lamented the waste of the talent of Darren Egan - banned as a rotten apple.

It was good to see Dave Nevison in the betting ring, providing commentary for RUK. Mr Nevison wrote a very entertaining account of his life at the races (including an intriguing mention of a liaison with a Conservative MP!). He tells it as it is, and is willing to put us off betting each way in the 'jungle' when there is a solid odds-on favourite. 

The third race on the card included a 'handicap certainty'. Unowwhatimeanharry (Carpenter and Bruno presumably?) had won with a first time tongue tie (basically a bit of old stocking which helps a horse breathe) in a Cheltenham handicap two weeks earlier. That was a race for conditional jockeys (bear with me here non-racing pals please) so he could run in this race without a penalty - i.e. carrying a weight much lower than he really should. 

I am always sceptical about these handicap certainties. I duly backed the second favourite, which came second to the handicap certainty, who won 'hard held.' Obviously death and taxes can now join with any horse trained by Harry Fry carrying a weight considerably less than the handicapper thinks it should as the remaining certainties in life.

Despite these betting losses I was cheered by Newbury's proper fish and chips shop (with mushy peas and jellied eels).

And I even spotted the legendary Stephen Little in the betting ring, although sadly not wearing his rabbit skin coat.

Seeing Stephen reminded me of the other missing great 'professional gambler', Harry Findlay. For reasons I have never been able to understand he jointly owned Denman who triumphed at Newbury in an 'I was there moment.' Goodness knows what made the gentleman dairy farmer and point to point trainer, Paul Barber, team up with 'arry, but sadly he did. I am left wondering if Mr Barber knows where Mr Findlay is now? 
On balance then my conclusion is that  Newbury has had difficult days but it's recovering nicely. And I suggest underrated trainer Evan Williams' horse John Constable is worth following for the rest of the season. Unfancied for the Gerry Fielden hurdle he still finished a close second carrying a high weight. Lump on at the Festival.

Newbury marks (out of 10)
Welcome/friendliness 7
Atmosphere 6
Betting ring (size, competitiveness) 6
Racecard (cost, quality) 6
Queues for bar 9
Viewing 9
Standard of racing 8

Total (out of 70) 51
Punting success lost badly - 3 2nds (hit the bar in football terms I guess) but at least I found 2p on a seat on the train back to Hungerford!

* Larry Grayson - masons

26 reasons to like Wetherspoons

Hungerford is so smart that it does not have a Wetherspoons. Stuck in a gastro-pub makes the heart grow fonder, so here are 25 26 reasons why I like and miss 'spoons (as us young people call it) -
1. Tim Martin's accent
2. Tim Martin's mullet
3. They often serve Hophead in the Sussex ones
4. The tinned craft beer that no one ever buys
5. They serve coffee at 8am but you cannot get a beer until 9am
6. The queue which forms at 8.58am in the Hove, George St branch that cannot be served for another 2 minutes (see 5. above)
7. 'Be rude not too.' The window cleaner who used to leave his bucket, cloths and ladder outside a Brighton and Hove 'spoons at 11am. He'd have 2 pints of Ruddles and when offered a third by a mate would reply, 'Be rude not too.' On finishing this one he would then collect his bucket, cloths and, yes, ladder before continuing on his round
8. There's one in Leamington Spa which has a seat made out of a toilet
9. You can stay in some of them
10. The 'spoons in Tunbridge Wells still hosts an opera at least once a year
11. Tim Martin once visited the Hove, George St pub on a cold, wet, Monday, November evening. He ordered half of Abbot and I was the only person who recognised him
12. Tim Martin saved us from the Euro
13. The double take from the bar staff when you order yoghurt and fruit for breakfast
14. The letters in Wetherspoons News
15. They serve steak and kidney pudding
16. Gluten free food (that's for my father-in-law)
17. Ham, egg and chips with a soft drink for £4.50
18. The menu tells you how many calories there are in each meal (actually cancel that one)
19. It annoys Andy Winter
20. The Winter Gardens in Harrogate
21. The most profitable (per sq. foot) is in Boredom Boreham Wood
22. I know Andy Winter does not believe this but you can watch the Parliament Channel in the West St one (silently with sub-titles)
23. Alan Howling 'Laud' Hope (leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party) prepared for his 2015 election battle against Boris in Uxbridge by visiting 500 Wetherspoons. He lost
24. Howling is a lightweight compared to Mags, who is doing a pilgrimage to every Wetherspoons in memory of her late husband
25. And finally Latin quotes over the bar. Floruit Floreat (as it has flourished so may it flourish). Go to The Hatchett Inn, Newbury for this you classicists. 
26. No there is an even more important late update made for hopefully understandable reasons. If you are 'caught short' (as my dear old mum used to say) at Victoria Station it's free in Wetherspoons  (upstairs next to platform 12) - and 50p in the Southern Rail toilets.

Please good Labour people for the sake of our country remove Mr Corbyn

This will be a brief post.
I am a Conservative because on the whole I think the Conservatives manage the economy better than the rest. Without economic competence you cannot have all the other things we value - sound defences, security, the NHS, decent public services etc.
That is not to say that I think my Party gets everything right. We are human and left to our own devices do get many things wrong.
To be any good a Conservative Government needs an effective Opposition. Some of  my Conservative colleagues think it is great that someone as unelectable and (even worse) hopelessly useless, as Jeremy Corbyn, is Labour leader.
Corbyn's 'leadership' means the Conservative Party is ahead by between 10 & 15 % in the polls even when doing all sorts of things which would normally make a Government very unpopular.
The absence of an effective Opposition is a bad thing. My Conservative #saveJez chums tell me not to worry, because the real opposition will come from Conservative rebels, the media, pressure groups and the few remaining brave Labour MP's prepared to speak out against their leader.
That's true to some extent I guess but misses one important point. Even the most effective, eloquent and persuasive journalist, pundit, pressure group or backbench Labour rebel is not an alternative Government/PM.
Please my Labour friends do your patriotic duty. Either remove Jeremy Corbyn as soon as possible and replace him with someone who is a potential Prime Minister - or leave the Party and form a new electable centre-left Opposition.
NB and here's a tip for free: the person the Conservatives fear most is Andy Burnham (only joking) Major Jarvis

Mr Cox got let in to Ascot

Phew, the famous bowler hatted gentlemen let me in after all (see earlier post). There were also some bowler hatted gentlewomen facilitating my passage, and great it was to see Ascot of all places striking a resounding blow for feminism. 
En route to the course from the station there was one elderly busker*, a half one-man band (i.e. playing an acoustic guitar and harmonica). His cap was brimming over with coins confirming once again that busking near a racecourse (on race days obviously) is considerably more lucrative than even the primest spot outside Waitrose. Racegoers have a tendency to be generous in the hope that their kindness will be reciprocated by the punting gods later in the day. 
Even for an obscure jumps card on a Friday in November the touts were out in force at Ascot, both buying and selling tickets. They do this openly, alongside notices warning of the perils of buying from unofficial sources, and within earshot of loudspeaker announcements telling you that if you buy a ticket from a tout it may not be valid. Needless to say everyone I saw who bought one from these 'entrepreneurs' had no trouble getting in, which must have been galling for those in the lengthy queue at the 'official' ticket counter.
Ascot has come in for something of a bad press in recent years on account of its new stand.

From a distance it is magnificent but at ground level it is reported to be a bit bleak, with poor viewing. My 'premier' pre-purchased non-tout ticket let me check all this out, and to some extent I can see where the critics are coming from. Joining those restricted to ground level the view of the racing at least could be better. It is difficult to see all the action from the viewing area in front of the grandstand, notwithstanding the otherwise excellent facilities bar/toilets/food/paddock wise.
Going up to the 4th floor though and you enter a different world. Carpeted stands, unreserved seating and a panoramic position enabling you to see the whole course with ease. I am not easily impressed but it was superb.

There has always been something about racing which brings the masses and the ruling classes together, often leaving out the middle classes in between. Ascot illustrates this phenomenon more than any other racetrack. Indeed three is even a piece of art and explanatory plaque

which celebrates this cross-class unity.
Country Living Christmas Fair day takes it even further. There is obviously the betting shop next to the caviar bar, there are the Dubai style shopping mall escalators, 

and to top it all there is 'market place' selling everything from pictures of dogs and horses on cushions, Emma Bridgewater Christmas plates (you can get one free if you subscribe to Country living Magazine), startsmart (tweed waistcoats for toddlers), and Helle Grabow scarfs (nope me neither). I was particular intrigued by a whole stall devoted to 'Chukka belts', hoping these were what an aspiring metrosexual non-candidate for the Labour leadership used to hold up his strides. Sadly no - they turned out to be a fashion item linked with Spanish polo.
The bowler hats are just as much in evidence inside the course. In fact at times there so many bowler hats in evidence it felt like I was attending a Clockwork orange convention. Actually the headgear is remarkably remarkably effective, as I ended up feeling guilty all the time, fearing I was going somewhere I shouldn't. Maybe Ascot are actually onto something. How about a premier league football club ditching the yellow jackets

for its stewards, and just getting them to wear bowler hats?
The races themselves all went off 5 minutes late. This was explained over the PA system as being because 'Ffos Las has been abandoned'. Us knowledgeable racing types all nodded sagely at this explanation. 
In truth the quality of the racing was not of the heights normally associated with Ascot. This was particularly poignant for me, because as a youngster I remember seeing on the telly what many people of my generation and older still regard as the greatest horse race of all time - Grundy v Bustino 1975. This took place at Ascot and the winner was ridden by Pat Eddery, who sadly died last week. Pat was only 63 years old, and obviously had his demons. He remains for many punters simply 'the champ.' Other jockeys were more stylish but us betting shop gamblers knew that if you backed a horse ridden by the champ your selection would be given every possible assistance from the saddle.


The Ascot authorities have been experimenting with appearance money for its chases to attract more quality entrants, but they were still only rewarded with fields too small for each way betting.
Nevertheless I think we may have seen a very good hurdler in Krugman, who is worth following in the top novice events for the rest of the season.


Next stop Newbury.

Ascot marks (out of 10)
Welcome/friendliness 7
Atmosphere 8
Betting ring (size, competitiveness) 7
Racecard (cost, quality) 6
Queues for bar 9
Viewing 9
Standard of racing 8

Total (out of 70) 54
Punting success - just about ok (thanks again to Alan King's Wishing and Hoping) *should have more generous to the busker

And anyone else that knows me

Popmaster on Radio 2's morning show presented by Ken Bruce can be strangely compulsive.
Guess the year is fun. Why is the contestant nearly always one year out?
It's impressive when some pop brainbox gets 30 plus points and qualifies for the Champions League Popmaster. I reckon I could do that if all the questions were on Chas 'n' Dave - otherwise I would struggle to get more than one right answer.
I'd still like to go on just for the bit at end when Ken says,
"Would you like to say hello to anyone?"
The contestant usually replies,
"Yes Ken" before launching into a long list of family, friends, workmates, neighbours, distant relatives and old school chums before finishing with the immortal words "and anyone else that knows me."
I have never actually known anyone who has been on Popmaster and therefore always feel mildly left out at this point. Thinking about it though would I not been even more upset if I did know the person taking part but they had not named me and simply lumped me in the  'anyone else that they know' category of second degree importance?
All this leads me to think that when I do go on the Chas 'n' Dave Special Edition Popmaster and Ken asks me,
"Would you like to say a few hellos?"
I will simply reply,
"No thanks Ken".

A warm welcome, even for the Greens, in the twilight at Kempton

After a spot of tomb tourism, it was time to take in the delights of a 'twilight' meeting at Kempton Park on Wednesday.

In truth I expected my report to be short (hurrah says the dedicated reader) and direct. Something along the lines of 'All weather racing put on to give bookmakers something to show in their shops on a winter evening. A form of horse bingo. Low expectations of low grade sport comfortably met.'
4.25pm is a strange time for a first race (twilight geddit?) but I was early enough to stop off in the nearby Jubilee Public House for a pint and some diligent research of the Racing Post. It was just my sort pf pub. Large England flags, saloon bar shut, 'the coldest lager in town', pool table and a menu consisting of-
Burger
Burger and chips
Cheese burger and chips
Pork scratchings
Chips, and
Cheesy chips.
I went for the exotic (cheesy chips) and delicious they were too. Apart from a nervous moment when a shaven headed pool player with tattoos on his neck mistook his pint for mine, it was a perfect pre-race experience. I admit I may have looked a touch out of place in my tweed coat and trilby but the landlord wished me luck as I left, and his alsation/huskie cross even barked his support.
Are the Green Party still for banning horse racing? Natalie Bennett can certainly go to Kempton as part of her review, for not only does the racetrack have its own railway station ('trains only stop on racedays'), but there are also electronic car charging points in the car park and dedicated bike parking near the front entrance.
From the moment I arrived I was given a warm welcome, with the receptionist even asking me "Are you an owner?" 
By the start of the first race the 'crowd' had swelled to about 200. Service in the bar was swift. They sold Caffreys, which from memory was fashionable about 20 years ago. It tasted disgusting then and time had not improved it. It was nice though to have no queues, and without exception every member of staff was friendly and helpful.
As for the racing itself, it was of remarkably good quality for a wet evening in mid November. The maiden (a race for 2 year old horses which had not previously won a race) included a horse called Amanita. He had cost 280,000 gns as a yearling (Sheikh Hamdan had just outbid me!) and duly bolted up after a slow start.
Prize money for the 6th race on the card was in excess of £22k, prompting John Gosden to saddle Richard Pankhurst (at one time amongst the favourites for the 2000 Guineas).

The main drawback for Kempton is the strength of the betting ring. You can understand why a bookie might not be overkeen on a pitch in the dark and rain outside on a late autumn evening, but with only seven bookies standing the starting prices can be potentially manipulated to the benefit of the large off-course bookmakers.

Kempton Park will never be a pretty racecourse. It is functional and has a dedicated set of regular supporters. Trainers like running their good young horses there because the running surface is fair and safe. This gives the opportunity to see future stars on the first or second starts.
Whilst observing a bloke with a broken leg snorting coke in the gents after the 7th race was slightly disturbing, I left Kempton with a favourable impression overall. If I lived nearby I suspect I would be a regular visitor.

Kempton marks (out of 10)
Welcome/friendliness 10
Atmosphere 5
Betting ring (size, competitiveness) 3
Racecard (cost, quality) 6
Queues for bar 9
Viewing 7
Standard of racing 8

Total (out of 70) 48
Punting success - down